You know, it's interesting when you realize how much you are willing to "give up" for someone you love, even when you know you wouldn't want that in the first place. Realizing the fact that I care so much about another person that I would allow my feelings for them affect my decision-making process in life is mind-boggling to me. I was never the type to be "held down" by relationships (let it be friends, family, or otherwise) and all of a sudden I am here, looking at my future, and I can't imagine anything different from my life with them. Strange, isn't it? I don't even feel like I'm being "held back" by these relationships. Instead, I see so much opportunity and so much potential that I am not willing to put that in jeopardy by increasing the physical distance between us. I wouldn't be happy being away from them. I know that because I find my thoughts wandering off to see if that would even be possible. I don't question our relationship for the sake of backing out, I question it to ensure that what I'm feeling is true. I tend to rationalize everything - to a fault.
Even if I were offered $75,000 a year to work my current job in another state, I wouldn't do it. Granted, I think I'm worth more than $75,000 a year, but in this world of business you are no longer worth what you think you're worth... Instead, the economy and your employers make you believe that you are only worth what someone will pay for you. I don't necessarily think that's true. I think you are worth what you settle for.
I settled for much less than I'm worth over the past 2-3 years because I believed I was only worth what an employer would pay me. I was very wrong. By following this mindset, I found myself in a low-paying job with an owner who did not believe I would ever be worth more than $20 per hour. My job responsibilities were slowly diminishing which led me to three conclusions: 1) they were making me worth what they thought I was worth, 2) I started to believe them, and 3) I was terribly unhappy and unsatisfied. Why would I leave the one thing that makes me feel happy and complete (my pair of men) for a job-location transfer to a place where I would be completely alone, only a little bit more "wealthy", and undoubtedly unhappy?
I wouldn't! All of a sudden, I realized I'm not just making decisions for myself, I'm making decisions that I think (and secretly hope) will affect my pair of men, too. I hope that if I would move away, that I would be missed.... Like, a lot!!! Haha!
I like to think (and have thoroughly convinced myself) that I am needed in this relationship. I wholeheartedly believe that these two need me just as much as I need them. I never imagined being at this stage in a relationship at the ripe age of 24, but alas, here I am..... Stuck to them like cat hair stuck to tape.
