Dealing with the "Off-Time"

Some people call it "off-time" or "off-weekends", but we don't call it that. For us, it's not "time-off from your child". We may refer to the weekends we don't have his son as "off-weekend" solely for the purpose of being understood and concise, but to us... This is not vacation time. On the contrary, actually. We consider the time we have with his son our "fun time", our "family time".

We love having him with us and I love getting to see these two in action.
Sidebar: I want to clarify why I say "We" love having him "with us".... Ryan and I are a pair. Just like Ryan and Kaleb are a pair. But the difference here is, Ryan and I are each other's support, we are each other's other halves, if you will. Kaleb is not Ryan's other half. He is not Ryan's support. Quite the opposite, actually. Kaleb depends on Ryan and Ryan is Kaleb's support. Although, neither relationship is more important, since they are both terribly important, Kaleb is a small child. He needs Ryan. Although I feel like I need Ryan and hope he needs me too, it's a different type of "need". Anyway, long story short, I group Ryan and myself together because we are a unit. According to me, we are one. Once we get married... it should be according to everyone... but until that time, this is only my opinion. :)

But, of course, it's not all sunflowers and daisies. 100% of the time we miss him terribly and wish he would be with us all the time. I can't imagine how much Ryan misses his son. He (daily) tells me how much he misses him, but words can only express so much. It's not fair that he can't see his son everyday and it's not fair that he doesn't get to take him to, and pick him up from, school. It's not fair that he doesn't get to tuck him into bed every night and give him hugs and kisses whenever he wants.

Alas, in the words of Elemeno P:
Life's not fair
But I'll take it
For those that aren't here
We'll make it
Life is not fair but things are
Getting better
So, for you, I'll leave the light on.

We do our best to treat Kaleb like we would if he were constantly with us: strict rules, punishments when he's bad, do the same old routines and errands, etc. But let's get serious.... When we finally have him, we want to enjoy the moments and have a blast! You never really understand what goes on with a parent who doesn't have their child every single day; you (myself included) could never understand how this feels for them. Some believe that Ryan and I make ourselves (our relationship) priority over his son, but let me clear the air right now: NOTHING is more important than his son. Not me, not him, not our house, not our cars.... It offends me a great deal that people tell Ryan he needs not be with me so much because he needs to focus on his son. First of all, he gets his time with his son. Whether I'm there or not... it's about them, not me. This is what it means to be a family; spending time altogether and making each person feel important. We are capable of doing that so I would appreciate the assumptions to cease! Secondly, even if Kaleb is playing a game on the phone/iPod, he's sitting next to or on his father's lap. EVERY minute counts with us, but we also understand you can't smother a child to death by forcing him to stare at you for hours on end, an entire weekend long. Nobody wants that and Kaleb definitely doesn't want that. What's important to us is the quality time. Obviously, we want his attention so if we ask him something and he ignores us, we take the game away. Everyone learns at one point or another that no matter what you're doing, human interaction is vital and it is VERY rude to ignore people. Thirdly, you don't know how often I am there, not that it's any of your business. If Kaleb didn't love me and if we didn't work well together, I would not be around. That is a fact. Again, we circle our way back around to ~Kaleb is most important~.

Anyway, my point is, it's heartbreaking [even for me] not to have Kaleb on a daily basis but life goes on and hopefully it's in the best interest of the child. This is what I don't understand about some people (no one in particular, just the public in general). When a child is involved, everything must be done in their best interest. Why? Because they are not capable of making those decisions themselves yet. You are the adult so you are expected and required to do what is necessary to develop this child into the same responsible adult. Set the example. BE the example. I've learned this (quite quickly, if I may pat myself on the back) and Ryan knows this. I can't even explain how amazing Ryan is.....

He has the amazing ability to be stern and "parent-like" but then he can instantly turn it off when the moment has passed. I love that. Kaleb gets the stability and structure he needs from Ryan (which includes the "punishment when your bad" deal) but once Kaleb understands he did something wrong and is obviously regretful... Ryan cleans the slate and starts brand new. No grudges. No prolonged hostility due to aggrevation. He has the same ability with me. What more could you ask from someone?

If we have an issue or an argument, I tend to hold onto it longer than he does; just out of sheer habit or need to fully immerse myself in what I thought was a huge deal. I'm fairly dramatic (I like to blame that on my female hormones) so when I have an issue, I make it seem like it's the end of the world. "How dare you not save me a piece of pie!!! I will now be mad at you for at least three days!" (Example only... not usually true. Ha!) But Ryan.... Ryan gets upset, still maintains his composure, and once everything is said and done and we've come to a solution... he drops it. It's like it never happened. I'm so lucky. That is not easy and that's an incredible quality to find in a man.

Ryan is the definition of unconditional love. No one is better at dismissing your faults than he is. I know this from experience. Again, I'm so lucky!